


losing game

by slotumn



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Falling In Love, Ficlet, Hurt Claude von Riegan, Introspection, Loneliness, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:54:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26824000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slotumn/pseuds/slotumn
Summary: Better lonely than heartbroken.---Yes, he knew what falling in love entailed, knew all the pitfalls and traps and dead ends.He remembered it all, and still couldn't avoid it.
Relationships: Lysithea von Ordelia/Claude von Riegan
Kudos: 14
Collections: Slotumn Portfolio





	losing game

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, yes, yet another fic of mine where Claude needs therapy from childhood/adolescent trauma regarding interpersonal relationships.

There was a period of time where he used to fall in love really easily— around twelve or thirteen, right on the cusp of adolescence, when his stupid little heart wanted to believe anyone sort of cute and sort of nice was The One.

He had to stitch it back together several times that same year, but in retrospective, it was a valuable lesson.

Sometimes, you had to learn which games were losing ones the hard way.

\---

_Don't mistake niceties for affection._

Fódlan was big on formalities, so it was especially important to remember this. Most everyone at least tried to be courteous with him out of manners, but that didn't mean they were any less suspicious of him.

_Don't get too attached to people all by yourself, only to be let down later._

That was pretty easy now. Giving up did make things better, occasionally— no need to feel betrayed if you never trusted them in the first place. 

_Isn't it about time you got used to the loneliness?_

Probably, but even if he couldn't get used to it, he had to learn to live with it.

 _Better lonely than heartbroken_ , he reminded himself.

Better lonely than heartbroken. 

\---

"Are you ever going to leave me alone?"

She wasn't nice. 

Even when she attempted to dress it in more sophisticated or polite vocabulary, hoping to sound more mature, she wasn't nice, and he liked that about her.

It was comforting, in its own way.

"Nope."

\---

"Why do you insist on seeking me out just to bother me like this?"

Something about pity, or strategy, or fascination, or protectiveness, or all of the above— all correct answers. 

"I'm bored, and you're very fun to bother."

That was also a correct.

"Ugh, please, consider finding a new hobby."

Now, the question was—

"Nope."

—did "companionship" also count as an answer?

\---

"I can't figure you out, Claude," she told him one day.

"Thanks, I try."

"It's not a compliment."

"I'll take it as one anyway."

Yet those words followed him— not for a day, or a week, or a month, but for five years.

She trusted him with her life on the battlefield every month, but she didn't know what kind of person he was.

So. 

Why should that bother him?

\---

He was fairly sure he'd never missed people before. 

Sometimes he missed Almyra, he missed the food and the music and the scenery, but people, individuals— well, no point in missing those who wouldn't miss him.

On that note, maybe the pang in his chest when he saw Teach, the Golden Deer, _her_ —

"Hey, we all made it!"

—maybe that one did have a point.

\---

He knew how he got when he, quote, fell in love, unquote. 

Metaphorically splitting himself open to hand them his insides, then running off to catch the stars for them with his innards gone.

Mother did that.

Mother gave everything to be with Father, but it worked, because he gave everything back. They were lucky to have found each other; otherwise, they would have ended up used and thrown away or unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

It was best to assume he wasn't going to be that lucky. 

Yes, he knew what falling in love entailed, knew all the pitfalls and traps and dead ends.

He remembered it all, and still couldn't avoid it.

\---

"'You know, it wouldn't be too bad, if we were to—'"

Talking about the past and present and future with her late at night, researching her favorite treats and constantly sneaking them into the library, sticking close to her on the battlefield under the guise of it being a strategic move, comparing her fourth finger to Mother's ring deep in his pocket.

"...No, that's too casual."

All of it, a losing game. 

He went through his lessons the hard way and hadn't learned a thing.

"Maybe something like..."

So once again, he'd play until it was over, play until it his heart fell into pieces, but this time.

"...Lysithea, I—" 

This time, he wouldn't bother stitching it back together for another round.

**Author's Note:**

> [Join the Lysiclaude Discord!](https://discord.gg/GZmtGbw) (Adults only for ease of moderation, please note.  
>   
> [My twitter](https://twitter.com/slotumn?s=09)  
> 


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